Living life in limbo

I had to get some thoughts out today, something that I can’t quite get my head around and is very hard to deal with at times.

I’m a mother of three.  But I can only see one of them, I can only hold one of them.  My beautiful eight year old daughter is right here with me and I love and take care of her every day.  But I also have another two children.  I can feel the youngest one, she is in my belly.  Her heart is inside me. I love her and I’ve never met her and won’t do so for another 11 weeks but the day she arrives, is coming soon.  I will have two daughters to care for and nurture and that makes me feel very very lucky indeed.

But every day my heart aches because I have a third child – my first born, Seth.  He should be 10 years old.  He should be at school with his friends, he should be out riding his bike or fighting with his sister over the computer.  But he’s not, he’ll never be 10 and he’ll never be here again. He died when he was seven, one month before his eighth birthday, after several years of fighting terrible illnesses.  He was so ill for so long that his final breath came as a relief.  But the relief doesn’t last long.  The realisation that your little boy has gone is something that can’t be explained.  The little boy that made me a mother, died.  No one should have to bury their own child but my husband and I did.  We held the cords on his little coffin and lowered him into the ground.  This is the reality of childhood cancer and the lack of research into better treatments.  The so called modern treatment he received for his cancer was so toxic that it left him severely brain damaged and led him to contracting meningitis which left him in a coma.  My fear every day is that one of my children will get cancer again.  My heart aches every time I hear of another child being diagnosed with cancer.

But know this, when you see a child fight cancer, your life is changed forever.  You will never see such strength and bravery.  I am forever immensely proud of my son Seth and the positivity and love that he taught us.

Right now, I’m in a strange limbo, longing for the past and longing for the future.  I will always be torn between that life and this life. I’ll always be sad, I’ll always wonder what could have been.  Being Seth’s mother and getting to know and love him for his short life has been the most wonderful thing.


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